What I did while not writing in 2015...

As I mentioned in an earlier post, writing was hard for me this past year.  Instead of writing I watched movies.  The movies I chose were about sex, sex education and the sex industry all with the hope that I would be inspired to write. I also watched them because of my fantasy of becoming a "Medical Madame".  As a young girl in Chicago I so admired Dolly Parton's entrepreneurial spirit in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, how she handled Burt and her "girls".   Anywho, here's a small sample of what I watched and what I recall. If you've seen any of these or have recommendations let me know. 

Private Practice 1985 Documentary by Kirby Dick

Private Practice is a documentary about a sexual surrogate and her work with a virgin and a newly divorced man.  Private Practice was released in 1985 at the time HIV was a "gay disease" so there is no mention of HIV or safer sex practices beyond getting checked for "VD".  Maureen, the surrogate, seems to be a master of boundaries, she is able to be fully present and intimate with her clients then end the work.  In one of the scenes she is working with her own therapist and Maureen is very clear that she struggles with loving someone. Great movie if you want learn how sex therapists and surrogates work clients together. 

Meet the Fokkens (2011) Documentary by Gabrielle ProvaasRob Schröder

The Fokkens are therapists, kinda, well they are hookers, expert sex workers for 60 years.  They discuss their heartbreak and pain, the need to work because the pension will not cover their cost of living (does Bernie know) and the fun they have.  A few years ago the sisters retired, in one article they said that business was down for one sister and the other felt that her body was finally feeling the stress of age.  What is nice about this movie is the relationship between the sisters, the laughing and support. For those that think that there is an expiration date to sexual expression this might be an eye opening film.  Many of Martine's clients are over 60 and enjoy bondage and being dominated by  Martine.   While I had a hard time with the stories of abuse I loved the spirit of the women, and was pissed about the pension.

Kink (2013) Documentary Christina Voros

This is a James Franco production and unlike some of the other grainy documentaries this film gives the viewer a taste of what is out there in the world of kink film.  How the films get made, who makes them and who chooses to be in them. The viewer also learns of the different offerings in the world of kink porn.  I could see where this might titillate someone who might want to take their play beyond the occasional ass slap.  

(A)sexual (2011) by Angela Tucker

When we speak about being sexual may educators and counselors start with "typical" sexuality, whatever that is, and move on to the outliers like zoophilia.  It is the asexual part of the sexual continuum that has been largely ignored, labeling people as "frigid" for example.  This documentary interviews asexual people and explores diversity that exists there as well. Not a great film, but interesting.

Orgasm Inc. (2009)

Flibanserin brand name Addyi has now been approved for female hypoactive sexual desire disorder.  Orgasm Inc. is a film that explores what it takes to create, fund and market solving female sexual dysfunction. How to market the chase for the big O.  This film makes me want to re-watch the Ted Talks with Ben Goldacre and his discussion on medical research. 

Red Without Blue (2007) Documentary 

Two siblings born male, one transitions to female. Lots of talk of suicide, generally slow and depressing,  Didn't finish it. So let m know if I missed something brilliant. 

Mr. Angel (2013)

I am a huge fan of Buck Angel. He was turned away from mainstream gay porn and created his own thing, introducing the world to the "Mangina". Buck Angel redefines what it is to be a man, showing people that sexuality and expression is not solely defined by genitals. In Mr. Angel he talks about his childhood, born into a female body, what that meant and how he evolved into Buck Angel.  He also discussed the importance of vaginal health for the trans-man which the Advocate RN/wanna be Medical Madame loves.  

Slip and Slide on the Geri Side - A new lube review

When I was running my group at HealthOutreach (program for people over 60) I would always make condoms and lube available for anyone who wanted them. I would also share any samples or new products with the members, getting a sense of what worked for them as far as ease of use and interest. As we were sitting around looking at my goodies one of the members asked to compare the lubes. Lube can be a fun addition to your sex play and at times and important tool.  On this day we were discussing reasons that sex play can be difficult, such as semi-erections, complete erectile dysfunction and vaginal dryness, all of which can benefit from the use of lube. The group immediately decided not only to check out the lube but take notes, comparing touch, smell and taste, then assign a letter grade here are the results. 

If there are lubes that you like let me know. 

"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you" Eric B. & Rakim

It has been a long time since I have written for this blog but I have been in mourning. It started last year when I went to Chicago to sit with my father through a grueling heart surgery.  For 14 hours I waited, receiving updates, trying to write.  I would take breaks, go for a run, come back, wait, go for a walk, come back, wait. He made it through and I was still unable to write.  If you research sex, health and death you may find, as I did, several articles on using sex as a way to avoid grief or deal with grief.  I have written about how sex is a release; the hormones that wash over you are calming, soothing and beneficial. In fact the sense of connection might be just the thing the grief stricken person needs. This is not how I was feeling, I became quiet and my interest in researching, writing or speaking about my favorite subject retracted into the back of my mind like an adolescent boys testicles after a wet dream.  

It wasn't until my father died this past December that I recognized my lack of interest as grief.  With his illness Eros flew away. My father was my greatest fan, although he had no computer he would have his friend Hank read my posts to him.  He would call me afterwards and ask me if I really used the word _____.  My father was not shy about sex, and would joke that his cpap machine was sexy. He was a champion of LGBTQ rights, grew up near a "Jewish free love commune" and believed everyone was worth flirting with.  He also was quick to call anyone an asshole, and in his later life take responsibility for his asshole ways.  My father believed that women should show their strength and that I looked great in black.  I knew that he was proud of me and I was proud to be a "Daddy's girl".  A Freudian analyst could really break this down for us all.

Now some time has passed, the grief has changed. I miss him but he would not want me to stop writing, teaching, learning about what I love. 

I would love to hear how grief affected you so leave a comment below. 

 

CatalystCon East: A weekend of consent

It has been years, even decades since I watched porn with a group of people, let alone strangers admiring a history of Dyke Porn. Two weekends ago my good friend, Kristin Keefe  (sex positive therapist) and I took a 5-hour bus ride to DC to commune a community of sex positive professionals and supporters.

When I first registered I was looking forward to a weekend dedicated to sexual understanding and education. As I got closer to the date I almost dreaded the idea of going, feeling like there would be a lot of self congratulatory, singing to the choir…sex is great, sex-work is work, legalize prostitution and see the power of the sexual surrogate.  I wasn’t wrong, but I also needed to listen to what was being said so this is what I learned. 

1.     In a sex positive community there is consent, consent to play, or not. Conversations must be had before participating in sexual acts, even the act of going to a lecture the audience and the participants consent to engage.  Consent ain’t just for kink anymore.

2.     In a lecture about Sexuality and Birth I learned that male partners sometimes do not consent to being in room while their partners give birth.  Those men that have not consented or consented out of obligation can sometimes suffer from PTSD from birth trauma. Check out Amy Gilliand’s work. 

3.     From Mara Levy, MSOT I learned about the Spoons Theory, the difference between impairment and disability as well as what it means to “feature” the impairment.  Use the wheelchair as part of the sexual play, as an extension of your partner. Maratalking

4.     Greek = Anal sex

5.     I am cisgender

6.     Betty Dodson has a magnetism the likes of which I imagine Bill Clinton had in the Oval Orifice. Betty and I had a moment.  I swear we did.

What I walked away with was knowledge that I can incorporate into my life and practice as a cisgen, sex positive, “pervert” nurse.